Falling Apart

Last night I started feeling like everything around me was falling apart. Today is just a continuation of that feeling. My child #4 is really just trying my patience, which at this time in my life is a really bad thing to be doing.  Last night her dad and I had to ground her from her phone. She has had her phone for I think it's three weeks now and this is her second grounding. We got the phone primarily so that she could call and talk to her Dad whenever she wanted to, but for our social butterfly it has became a huge tool. 

This morning everyone was late getting up and out. There has been a sleeping problem and at times I think I know what the problem is but there is no way to fix it. #4 did not get up in time to be taken to school today so she is home. And again I feel like everything is falling apart around me.  There are those that will say because I'm not in church or that I've not got everything sorted out with God that this feeling is here. I am not going to say they are wrong - they are entitled to their opinions and what they need to depend upon. For me it's the fact that I'm recently separated and trying to raise four girls through the week on my own. I am trying to hold down a 40 hour a week job and not lose it because the girls need me to take of here and there. Not to mention the fact that there are so many signs that our jobs here are not secure (is there any secure jobs anymore? I am not sure).  Things just are always busy and I'm really trying.  

So now I sit here at work trying to figure out how I'm going to fix things at home - while I am trying to figure out what I'm doing here. What a vicious circle!!! 

Mommy's Birthday!

Today is my Mommy's birthday, she is turning 71.  My mother and I have always been close but have also had the ability to argue and get very upset with each other. Kind of reminds me of the relationship I have with my children.  We are all so very close but there are those moments when Mommy mode kicks in and you're not friends anymore.  Anyways, my Mother has become on of my closest confidants...yes I have always been able to talk to her about everything but now it goes both ways. We share dreams, hopes, fears and secrets from our pasts.
Today is not the day to be thinking of this, but as Mommy turns another year older I know that her life is slowly but surely coming to an end.  She suffers terribly with diabetes and now failing kidneys. She can not walk without a walker and struggles with that.  Mommy has been a wonderful wife to my Daddy over all these years, always supporting one crazy idea after another. She raised three wonderful kids, if I don't say so myself! I know she's cried with each of us when our hearts have broke, held our hands through the many medical procedures we've had.
I love my Mother with all my heart and can only hope to be a good as woman as she is. Happy Birthday Mommy!!

Changes

I have never really liked changes. As I look at that statement I wonder if there is anyone out there that really does.  There are so many changes going on around my life at this time.  My body and hormones are all crazy -never used to cry, now I'm never sure when or where is it going to happen.  Where I used to be able to tell you the exact day and almost time I was going to start my cycle, is now a crap shoot if it is going to happen and when it does, how long it is going to last. Thankfully I have a wonderful OB/GYN who is really helping me battle this - and without hormone treatments!!
Changes are happening at work. The place I work  for is very secretive in their operations and what they are planning to do. But there are those of us that are realist and can look at the writing on the wall and see that changes are coming. This past Monday, even though we are in the red this year, they hired a new girl to start billing. Billing is my job...hmmm.   Things have been super slow and I have been scrambling to keep myself busy. Today two of my billing branch tickets went to this new girl to learn to do. Therefore I am really - really trying to find something to do.  It is not uncommon for this company to bring people in and replace you without you even know what is going on.  So right now I am holding my breath waiting to see what is going to happen. Yes, I know I will be okay. I really do not have anything to worry about. But change, again is not my friend.
There are changing coming in the future that I am reminded of every time I talk with my parents. My mother has suffered with Type II diabetes since I was born and it is now finally starting to take its toll on her body. I know the loss of my parents, dear aunts and uncles, and those I grew up with and love dearly is coming. It seems like a terrible, morbid thought but again it is a real thought that I can not push away. I have friends who have lost dear loved ones and make the comments like, "If I just had that one more phone call", or " Just to see and hug them one more time".  =(  I know I am certainly not going to like that change.
There have got to be good changes... The girls and I moving has been a good change. Not for everyone, I know this. But for me it has been a good start on fixing myself. Change in hairstyle has been a good one also. I love my short hair - Up until I got married I generally always kept my hair short. 20 years of trying to figure a way of wearing it long and it not killing my neck and I was done with it.  Now it is very short, straight and forms around my face. I love it!! A great change.
Maybe I'm saying this all wrong but it's the thoughts going through my head on this Friday Eve.

February 25, 2013

So many things have happened in my life since my last post on this blog that I figured I'd wipe all the old ones away and start fresh.

Life is so complicated at the moment. My girls are growing up and I am dealing with what seems like new drama situations with them everyday.  Drama usually means bad things to me but in this case drama is just everyday stuff.  Boys, hair, makeup.. etc. You catch my drift. Since my separation from their dad, they stay with me through the week and spend the weekends with him.  Our normal daily lives are crazy and at the most confusing, but I love my girlies! They are my inspiration for waking up at 5:30 every morning to better myself. They are my last thoughts before I lay my head down on my pillow... How can I be a better Mom and roll model for these girls.

The last thought of being a roll model for my girls can be as of late argued by many around me and even with one of my girls.  Roll models don't separate from their spouses.  They don't "give up" on their marriages.  For those that find this to be a weakness and improper thing to do I'm sorry to disappoint you but please keep this one thing in mind... YOU DID NOT WALK IN MY SHOES!! You haven't lived my life so please, please keep any and all judgmental thoughts to yourself. And believe it or not I can still be a very great influence on my children, regardless of this one decision.

My oldest daughter is 19 ( well will call her #1)  and finally diving into the world of boys.  Even though my second oldest has been dating for a couple years it has not made this step with #1 any easier. I have many reservations about the young man that she has been texting  and talking to on the phone with.  I've not met him and have expressed that even though she is 19 she is living with me and I will need to meet his young man  before they go out. #1 is in her first year of college and that is another scary thought.  For 12 years I took care of most everything for her schooling, now to not be allowed to handle anything.  This is her life, her responsibilities. I am only allowed to encourage and offer advice anymore =(  I don't like it but I have to live by it.

My second oldest is 18 (we will call her #2) and is getting ready for graduation.  Sigh..... Where has time gone. #2 is set to attend UT in the fall and will be living at the dorms.  I'm really not going to like this one as I really have a hard time sleeping without everyone under the same roof.  Even when they are with their Dad as long as I know everyone is safe and sound I'm good.  #2 has been with her boyfriend for a year now and they are really are just cute when they are together. He teases her endlessly and it is great!! I know what mother would revel in the fact that her child is being teased? I know he is doing it out of love and is more than likely getting what he is dishing out back in 10 fold.  Again with #2 turning 18 she is an adult and can begin to make her own decisions and all I can do it offer advise and encourage, hoping that what her dad and I have taught her has sank in enough to make wise decisions.

My number three daughter (of course that's #3)  is 15 and totally ready to be 18.  She is in the middle of her sophomore year and has such a great idea of how the rest of her high school years will go.  #3 will be studying in the health science field, choosing classes that will help her obtain her goal of being a nurse.  We like to look at and hear about gross stories, forgetting at times that we are at the dinner table or in the presents of those that have weak stomachs (#1 and #2). We don't have a boyfriend here but there is potential always. #3 is very pretty and attracts many a young boy. Finding one that has any kind of good bringing up has been our challenge.

And lastly the baby daughter is 13 (that's #4).  We are in the difficult middle school years with this one.  Girls are just so mean and nasty at this age, always have been. Some of my more memorable arguments were in that time frame. She just had her hair cut really short and it looks adorable but there is one child at school that thinks they need to pick on everyone and make them feel bad.  How do we get our children to understand that the more power you give to bullies the more they react?? #4 struggles in school, mainly because she doesn't turn in her homework. Or doesn't do it at all.  Oh goodness I have got a long road to go with this one.

I used to think it was miserable being a teenager/young adult, but I am now beginning to think it's harder to be the Mom of a teenager. My heart breaks when theirs does, I can put a band-aide on cuts and I can kiss bruises but my child's heartbreak isn't something I can easily fix and it drives me batty.  I hold them and often cry with them, feed them chocolate and latte's but still they are the ones having to deal with the hurt and work through the pain.  I am so proud to be Mom of these KLORland sweeties!!!